No John Wayne, I

Although the issue of being a man in the current world is of great interest to me, I would never say that I am a paragon. Sometimes occurrences both great and small provoke a feeling in the pit of my stomach that my colleagues would call anxiety. But anxiety is just shrink talk for fear.

Is a man never afraid? Of course not. But what he does when afraid, that is the test. Courage is not the absence of fear, but choosing to act even though afraid.

My anxiety this morning was set off by two things, both small. The furnace went off, so I woke up in a pretty chilly house. The ease with which things needed for life can break or be taken away. The second is that I am aware there is some kind of deadline I have to attend to: pay a bill or something. And I can't remember what it is, but it makes me nervous that if I miss it, something unpleasant will happen.

So I set about fixing the furnace and checking out what the deadline might be. But all the while is this cold cramp in my gut. And it's not just about the heat or the bill. Larger realms impinge: the economy --whose failing I feel directly-- and the sometimes seemingly psychotic state of the country. My own future. Even my past. Wondering if not only are my best days behind me, but even my good days.

I will put one foot in front of the other, deal more or less with what I have to, but in my gut, quite literally in my gut, a kind of animal dread.